A shimmering glow shines on the surface of the reflective water. After I pull myself out its warm and weightless comfort, it is clearly late in the afternoon since the scarlet red sun is hovering just over the horizon. With my uniform dripping with salty water, I lug myself up onto the smooth shoreline. Ready to collapse, I know I have to find shelter and a safe place to spend the night. I don’t care how far it will be, though my thighs are burning and my eyes are close to shutting. Despite these setbacks, I feel as though I can still swing my katana with ease. I feel somewhat disappointed as I shuffle away from the now empty cornucopia, having left with only the katana. No throwing knives, shurikens, or any other means of long range combat. Due to this large disadvantage, I should find shelter someplace small, compact and dark. No one will be out of range, and I will be out of sight as long as possible.
An hour must have passed by the time I reach a small burrow in the ground. I have a terrible feeling, since it does not look natural. It resembles a deadly snare, and knowing this I proceed with utmost caution. As I venture into the dugout, I keep my sword poised by my shoulder, casting its silvery light along the corners of the cavern. Out of the corner of my eye a large bug crawls along the wall of the cave. I turn to face it, and am greeted with a horrifying sight: it is a whole wall of tracker-jackers. Slowly backing away, none begin to stir. A quick glance behind me assures me I am almost out of the cavern. My back foot reaches ground level, and I’m about to pull myself up… when I trip on a tree root. Shaking the cavern, I have only a second to react before the tracker-jackers swarm. I find a large boulder next to the cavern and before the large hive can emerge from their chambers, I roll it into place blocking off the exit. I am safe… for now.
Backing away, I attempt to assure myself that none will escape. Having woken up from that experience, I pace myself into a quick and steady jog. Nightfall has begun to set, and it is only a matter of time until the terrors of the night emerge from their nocturnal slumbers and attempt to tear the flesh from our bones. After just a few minutes, I find a large tree and begin to climb up. Trying with a feverish determination, I attempt to find a good footing. Thinking I have found a stable branch, I put my full weight on the branch to climb further. Just as I grab the branch above me, the branch snaps below me. I am stuck dangling, 30 feet above the ground.
Bruce, you have an excellent writing technique and style. Your transitions were smooth, your vocabulary was stellar, and your descriptions were on point. I loved your attention getter because it really grabbed my attention. At this point, I think that as you already know that you are a very good writer, you should be able to add a little something extra. Try to add some extra pizzazz into your writing to make it stand out from other writers. Write in a way that makes readers really stop and say wow. By adding that extra oomph, it will be the icing on the cake. Work it Bruce!
The story line with the tracker jackers was well done and not that bad. Your verb tense seemed fine. I really liked the ending, it was suspenful. If you are the next one to die it wouldn’t be surprising that how well done it was you put me there.
As I said before you writing is great! The style you use is amazing and smooth. I feel like you could have added a little extra though just to change things up. I really enjoyed you piece though!